Chapter 4

Raghav sighed deeply, his heart heavy with empathy as he pulled Anu into a comforting hug, trying to calm her down. Shehnaaz stood nearby, her heart sinking with every word she had overheard. She felt as though she wanted to stab herself to death, knowing that every word spoken was true and that her guilt was justified.

Shehnaaz’s face turned as white as a sheet. It would have been easier if they had killed her; at least then, she wouldn’t have to endure the torment of their words. No matter what happened, they would always hate her. Anu’s eyes briefly met Shehnaaz’s pallid face before she walked away silently, leaving Shehnaaz to be consumed by her guilt once more.

Two weeks later, Sidharth was finally considering rejoining the office. He couldn’t bear to leave Vihaan alone for too long. Over the past two weeks, Vihaan had cried incessantly, and nothing Sidharth did seemed to have a lasting effect.

As Sidharth watched his son sleeping peacefully, his innocent face free from the burden of grief for the moment, he placed a soft kiss on Vihaan’s hair, careful not to wake him. Sidharth’s heart was filled with immense pain, tears, and a deep longing for Payal, but he buried all of it inside for the sake of his son. He didn’t want Vihaan to see his pain and ask questions he couldn’t answer.

Vihaan’s tears hurt Sidharth more than anything. He tried everything he could think of: taking Vihaan to play in the garden every evening, watching cartoon movies together, feeding him, playing with him, and holding him every night as he fell asleep. But Vihaan missed his mother terribly. His sadness turned into hysterical cries, his small voice pleading, “Mumma chahiye… Mumma chahiye…”

Sidharth’s heart broke every time. “Where did you go, Payal? Please come back. We need you… I need you… Vihaan needs you… Maa needs you… This house is incomplete without you. We are incomplete without you,” he thought, tears streaming down his face as he stared at their family photo hanging on the wall.

The picture was from Vihaan’s third birthday, a joyous day they had celebrated in Manali because Vihaan wanted to play in the snow on his special day. That photo brought back a flood of memories, and Sidharth hugged Vihaan tighter, finding some solace in holding his son close.

He knew he had to accept the situation, but his heart refused. It still ached for Payal. Life had never felt more unpredictable. Sidharth decided it was time for Vihaan to return to school. Being around other children might distract his mind.

“Papa…” Vihaan’s sleepy voice broke through Sidharth’s thoughts. “Haan, baby,” Sidharth whispered, gently caressing Vihaan’s hair to help him fall back asleep.

Vihaan yawned, his small face looking so innocent. “Papa ko bhi mumma miss hi raha hai…”

Sidharth sighed at his son’s innocence and kissed his temple. “Why will I miss her when I have my Vihaan?” he replied, trying to sound cheerful.

Vihaan grinned and hugged Sidharth tightly around his neck, comforted by his father’s fingers gently working their magic in his hair until he fell asleep again.

Shehnaaz rubbed her forehead, feeling another headache coming on. Groaning restlessly, she took a tablet from the dressing table and swallowed it with some water. The sleepless nights were taking their toll on her.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Payal’s injured, lifeless body, and Sidharth’s agonized screams echoed in her mind. She woke up in panic and fear, haunted by those memories. How could she ever move on, knowing that Payal’s family never would? If she had ruined them, she didn’t have the right to move on with her life either. She didn’t deserve happiness.

The excitement of getting married had long vanished. Over the past week, her family and Arjun’s family had been discussing delaying the wedding by a month. They seemed to think that a month would be enough for her to get over it, as if it were a simple matter. But she knew she might never heal.

“Sana… are you in there?” Sanju’s loud call broke through Shehnaaz’s thoughts. She looked up to see Sanju entering the room. Shehnaaz quickly wiped her tears, but Sanju frowned, sensing something was wrong.

“Haan, Sanju… kyun chilla rahi hai?” Shehnaaz tried to sound casual, but Sanju knew her too well.

Rolling her eyes, Sanju picked up Shehnaaz’s mobile and wallet from the table and tossed them to her. “Kya kar rahi hai, baby?”

Without replying, Sanju grabbed Shehnaaz’s hand and started pulling her out of the messy bed. “Bahut ho gaya tera home lockup. We are going out, just you and me.”

Sighing, Shehnaaz tried to free herself from Sanju’s grip, which only tightened. “Nahi yaar… please samajh…”

Sanju didn’t listen and forced Shehnaaz into the passenger seat of her car. “Main nahi sun rahi teri. So tu koshish bhi mat kar. Pagal ho jayegi tu room mein baithe baithe,” she continued her accusations as Shehnaaz closed her eyes tightly, memories of the accident flashing before her.

“Sanju, please…” Shehnaaz’s voice was heavy with emotion.

Sanju glared at her. “Just shut up, Sana. Get out of it or you’ll go nuts. It can’t be changed. What happened can’t be changed, so there’s no point crying over it 24/7.”

“So, what do you want me to do?” Shehnaaz screamed back, her buried frustration boiling over. “Bhul jaun sab kuch? Bhul jaun that someone died because of me? Someone who deserved to live a long life with her family? Shadi ki tayyariya karu? Khush rahu? Kisi ki zindagi mein aansu bhar ke apni zindagi mein khushiyan bhar du? Bata na, Sanju… what do you all expect me to do?”

Sanju remained quiet, driving to their favorite spot, where they often went when they needed to talk without interruptions. Shehnaaz punched the car door in anger, trying to control her frustration. “Main nahi kar sakti, Sanju. Koi nahi samajh raha ke main andar se toot rahi hoon. Sabko lagta hai ek mahina shadi delay karne se sab thik ho jayega.”

“So, what do you want to do?” Sanju asked gently as they sat by the lake.

“I don’t know,” Shehnaaz answered honestly, making Sanju chuckle a bit. “are you planning to give Arjun a heart attack?”

Shehnaaz couldn’t even muster a chuckle. “I need time. Is it too much to ask?”

Sanju sighed. “No, of course not. But accept one thing, Sana. Arjun loves you madly, but you don’t reciprocate his feelings to that extent. You love him, but not exactly in love.”

“That’s not true,” Shehnaaz replied defensively. “I was happily getting married to Arjun.”

“Oh God… that was because you’re used to him. And sometimes that’s enough to marry someone. Pyar baad mein bhi ho jata hai. I’m just saying… he won’t be happy if you delay this more.”

Shehnaaz’s face fell. “What do I do, Sanju? I can’t express the mess inside me.”

“You know what you should do,” Sanju said confidently.

Shehnaaz looked at her silently, letting those words sink in. They made their way back home shortly after.

As they walked through the living room, Shehnaaz’s eyes fell on her mother, who was sitting with a woman from the designer’s shop. Realization dawned upon her: her wedding lehenga had been delivered because her wedding was supposed to be the day after tomorrow. She had forgotten to cancel the delivery.

“Sana, Sanju… kitna pyara lehenga hai… hayy meri Sana bilkul pari lagegi isme,” her mother exclaimed.

“Mom…” Shehnaaz’s heart sank as she stared at the red lehenga, its color reminding her of Payal’s blood. Frustration surged through her, and before she knew it, she dashed towards them, picking up the lehenga and throwing it to the floor.

“Sana…” her mom screamed in panic. Sanju rushed to Shehnaaz, who was about to crush the fabric with her heel.

“Khoon hai isme… dur karo ise,” Shehnaaz screamed in panic, hugging Sanju tightly. “Ise dur karo, please.”

“Sana beta… ye kya ho raha hai?” her father had just walked into the living room with Arjun. Arjun ran towards her, trying to calm her when he saw her shaking.

“Hey, hey… relax… everything is fine,” Arjun tried to pull her into his arms, but Shehnaaz moved away harshly.

A frown appeared on Arjun’s face, while Shehnaaz’s parents grew more worried. They had hoped the wedding preparations would distract her, but they were wrong.

“I’m sorry, Arjun,” Shehnaaz said quickly, and Sanju knew what she meant.

Arjun’s frown deepened as he tried to hold Shehnaaz’s hand. “What are you sorry for, Sana? Come here.”

Shehnaaz stared at his face, tears streaming down. “I can’t marry you, Arjun. I can’t marry you.”

“What?!” Her parents shouted in unison, their faces etched with shock. Arjun stood there, stunned, before finally speaking. “I understand you’re not okay, Sana. We can delay this for as much time as you need. Stop getting panicked, baby.”

“No,” Shehnaaz shouted through her tears. “I can’t do this. I can’t marry you, not today, not tomorrow… not ever. I can’t get married after ruining someone’s life, after destroying someone’s family. My conscience will eat me alive if I’m that selfish. I’m sorry I’m hurting you, but I can’t. I can never. I’m sorry, Arjun.”

Sanju was taken aback by Shehnaaz’s words. She had expected her to ask for more time, not this.

Arjun stood rooted in place, shock plastered on his face. Shehnaaz’s parents ran towards her. “I think you’re overreacting, Sana. You’re not okay. We understand. Let’s talk about this some other day,” her father said, trying to pull her into a hug.

“No, Papa. My decision will never change, no matter what. I will leave the house if you force me.”

“Shehnaaz…” her mother chided, disappointment and pain in her voice. Arjun looked at Shehnaaz, his eyes filled with hurt. “Please don’t do this, Sana. We love each other. After some time, you’ll be able to get over it.”

Shehnaaz knew she wasn’t being fair to him, but settling into a married life would be unfair to the person she had killed. She didn’t deserve it. “I will never get over it, Arjun. I will never get over the blood-smeared test sheet or the cake. I will never get over her husband’s painful scream. I will never get over any of it, and I will never be my old self. I will never be able to keep you happy. I don’t want to ruin your life. My decision is final.”

“But you can’t take this decision alone, Sana. We’re both in this relationship, and it has to be mutual,” Arjun’s patience snapped, and he burst out in anger.

Sanju glared at him. “Watch your language.” Her comment made him glare back at her. “You stay out of this, Sanju.”

Sanju’s nostrils flared in anger. “You need to learn how to talk to a woman.”

Her parents were still in shock, while Shehnaaz sighed. “I beg you to understand me. Please don’t force me, or I will go away from everyone and never come back.”

“And what will that solve?” Arjun asked, pain lacing his voice.

Shehnaaz wiped her tears away. She would miss Arjun as her best friend because she knew this would affect their relationship greatly. “It is my punishment, and it will give me the strength to live, knowing I wasn’t selfish.”

“This is bullshit!” Arjun’s loud scream echoed through the living room before he stormed out of the house.

“I’m not accepting this, Shehnaaz. Take as much time as you want—months, years—but this marriage will happen,” her father said, his tone final. Shehnaaz looked at him in pain, wondering why they couldn’t understand her turmoil.

Shehnaaz looked at her parents one last time before running upstairs to her room, followed by a worried Sanju.

_________________

There are certain moments in life when each second seems to stretch into eternity. When we are in the throes of pain, time moves in slow motion, and every little thing reminds us of our suffering.

Rita ji sat on her bed and sighed as a sharp pain shot through her knee. With great difficulty, she tried to stretch her leg, but the pain was unbearable. These last two months had been the worst for the family. First, Payal’s untimely death, her son’s inconsolable grief, Vihaan’s tears, and the never-ending stream of guests had left them all in a state of shock.

They had cried so much in the past few days that their tears should have dried up long ago, but somehow, they hadn’t. Their eyes still had the capacity to weep. Payal had left behind her memories, the warmth of her presence lingering in their lives. She used to massage Rita ji’s feet with hot oil whenever she felt pain. She ensured everyone’s favorite dishes were prepared. Who does that in today’s busy life? Hardly anyone. The poor girl never spoke rudely or disrespected anyone.

Rita ji was startled when she felt a small hand shaking her. She looked down at her grandson, who was trying hard to get her attention, “Dadi… dadi… uffo… daddeeeee…”

“Haan Vihaan, kya hua?” Rita ji lowered her feet to the floor and pulled the troubled little Vihaan closer.

“Dadi… Vihaan wants mumma…” His small brown eyes filled with innocent tears that drenched Rita Ji’s soul. Running her fingers through his hair and face, Rita ji smiled softly at Vihaan, “Vihaan is a strong boy, isn’t he? And strong boys don’t cry…”

Vihaan nodded instantly, “But mumma Vihaan ko bhul gayi…” There was an innocent accusation in his voice.

“No baby…” Rita ji couldn’t believe Vihaan would think that way. If only she could tell him how much his mother loved him until her last breath. If only she could explain that his momma was gone to get his favorite cake before life played its cruel game. “Mumma Vihaan ko bahot pyaar karti hai… but mumma door gayi hai na… Mumma ko pata hai Vihaan is a strong boy… Vihaan ke paas papa hai, dadi hai, bade dada dadi hai, Anu bua hai, Raghav chachu hai…”

Vihaan nodded softly and rested his head on Rita Ji’s lap. Rita ji knew it was harder for him, but still, he never threw tantrums. He was such an understanding baby, and Payal had a big hand in that.

She couldn’t bear to see his sad face; his smiles were the life of the house. Brushing his hair lovingly, she asked, “Vihaan aur dadi ghoomne jaaye toh…?”

His face lit up instantly, “To play in the garden, dadi?”

Rita ji chuckled softly. She knew Sidharth had been taking him to play in the garden almost every evening for the past months. The way Sidharth had handled Vihaan these days had shocked everyone in the house, including her. The patience he had shown was expected, but not to this extent.

Sidharth had been there to wipe away his tears, make sure he ate on time; he did everything he could. But no matter what he did, Rita ji knew he couldn’t take Payal’s place in Vihaan’s life.

Applying pain cream to her knees, Rita ji’s feet continued to ache, but she didn’t want Vihaan to be upset. Meanwhile, their helper Varsha Tai helped Vihaan get ready, and he ran downstairs in no time, “Run, dadi! Vihaan gonna win!” His enthusiastic baby scream filled the atmosphere with happiness.

Rita ji shook her head while Badi Dadi, her sister-in-law, chuckled, “Yeh tuze thaka dega Rita… Varsha ko sath le ja…”

Vihaan frowned cutely, “No Varsha Bua…”

Varsha’s mouth opened wide in surprise while the women giggled. The kid loved to annoy Varsha somehow.

Giggling and jumping on his feet, Vihaan held Rita ji’s hand to pull her out of the house because he didn’t find her as fast as his father.

Rita ji let him do his thing with a chuckle as she called Sidharth. “Haan maa…” Sidharth was quick to answer the call, unlike his old self.

“Sid, tu kab tak ghar aayega?”

“I have minimum 2 hours to leave, maa. Kuch kaam tha kya?” He could hear Vihaan’s giggles and laughs and was surprised. “Why is Vihaan so excited?”

Rita ji chuckled, “Well, Vihaan aur dadi maa garden ja rahe hain khelne…”

Sidharth smiled softly as he heard Vihaan’s loud yell saying, “Yeyyeyeye!” “Go to the central playground for kids. He loves it there.”

“Mene wohi puchhne call kiya tha… Tuze pata hai na uska… dadi wohi jana hai… wohi jana hai…”

“Koi hai sath me? He will tire you, maa?” Sidharth spoke with worry laced in his tone. Of course, he knew she had been feeling knee pain again despite seeing so many doctors.

Rita ji shook her head, “Tu chinta na kar Sid… I’ll handle him.”

The call was disconnected shortly after that, but Sidharth knew his mother wouldn’t be able to handle Vihaan alone. Even at the age of 40, he sometimes felt tired running behind Vihaan because Vihaan was just too much when it came to playing.

He tried calling Anu so she could join them at the garden but couldn’t connect. Sighing, he called Raghav, “Raghav, where are you?”

Raghav chuckled, “Right. Hello to you too, Sid.” His tone, without much effort, managed to annoy Sidharth, and he rolled his eyes at Raghav’s taunt. “Hello, Raghav. Can you please let me know where you are right now?”

Raghav grinned shamelessly at Sidharth’s exaggeration, “Well, this much butter wasn’t really needed, but I’ll adjust. Anyways, I’m at XYZ for the site visit.”

“And when will you get free?” Sidharth rubbed his forehead. He had been having headaches because he hadn’t been getting his particular coffee in the morning, which only Payal used to know how to make. Sadness rushed through him again.

Raghav sighed, hearing the heaviness in Sidharth’s tone. “Half an hour max. Bolna, Sidharth… Kuch kaam hai kya?”

“I’m about to go for a long meeting, and maa is alone with Vihaan at the central garden. She didn’t even take anybody with her apart from the driver. You know how Vihaan is…”

Raghav grinned instantly at the name of Vihaan, “Bas itni si baat… I’ll be there in max an hour, promise.”

“Alright…” Sidharth sighed in relief, “I’ll call you once I’m done with the meeting. And by the way…”

“Yes…?” Sidharth’s sudden change in tone grabbed Raghav’s attention.

“Tell Anu not to keep her phone off next time she is with you…” With that, Sidharth disconnected the call, leaving a surprised Raghav behind. He looked at Anu for her reaction and almost chuckled when he saw her face all red with fear and embarrassment, trying to understand how her brother knew.

_________________

“Sana, tu kya kar rahi hai… aur kyu?” Sanju asked with curiosity and exaggeration laced in her voice.

Shehnaaz rolled her eyes as she continued to look out of the window, without answering the question that Sanju asked her every day.

Sanju huffed loudly, “Aisi kya khufiya panti hai be teri… jo tu meko bhi nahi bata sakti…”

“Kuch khaas nahi be… tu bata… Arjun se baat hui teri?”

A frown instantly appeared on Sanju’s face as she shook her head, “Nahi… kamina phone bhi nahi utha raha… Mujhe lagta hai… usne sanyas lene ka tay kar liya hai…”

“Shut up, Sanju.” Shehnaaz shook her head vigorously to get rid of the image of Arjun wearing all orange clothes. Grrh, he wouldn’t do that. It wouldn’t take him that long to jump on another girl, she was sure.

“I’m serious. That idiot is obsessed with you.” Sanju almost made a disgusted face because she hated possessive men.

“Aree… kaha ja rahi hai… bas yahi ruk ja,” Shehnaaz shouted hurriedly, making Sanju stop the car. “Main bhi chalu… tere sath.”

“Don’t even dare… go. I’ll call you,” Sanju huffed dramatically, knowing better than to argue against that tone. She left quickly, waving a quick bye.

Shehnaaz sighed with a small smile as she made her way into the garden. She walked around for a while, her eyes restless and searching, but she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Maybe… he didn’t come today. A shadow of sadness crossed her features at the thought, and she sat down on a random bench.

A small palm suddenly covered her eyes from behind, bringing an instant wide smile to her lips. “Zorroooooo…” Her sad face was instantly replaced by enthusiasm as she heard the familiar giggle, and soon the palm disappeared from her eyes.

She pulled her little angel in front of her before taking him in a bone-crushing hug. God, she missed him… so damn much. It felt like a part of her heart was missing when she didn’t get to see him for the last two days.

“Sanu maa missed Vihaan..?” Vihaan asked admits cute giggles as shehnaaz did shower of kisses all of his face before pulling him back in her hug.

This little angel of hers, who gave her life back.. she still remembered how. Broken she had been every passing day, eaten by guilt..

That day, after the fight with her parents, she had packed few things in her bag before walking back downstairs. Her parents were shocked byher move and tried hard to make her understand but she was adamant on leaving..

She told them she very much needed this space, not just from them, but from anything and everything.. they denied to understand her saying this is an absurd idea and her father was absolutely furious but it was time she needed to take her own decision..

She never questioned them when they fixed her marriage with Arjun just because both the families were close.. she never questioned them when they decided her marriage at the age of 25.. she respected their decision and she has know Arjun all her life.. he has been closest to her after sanju.. and she she knew he loved her..

But today..  when she wanted then to understand her.. they were not ready to do so and she knew she will be doomed forever if she didn’t step up for herself..

That day she walked out of the house against their will and shifted with sanju who lived alone in her flat.

It was peace living with her.. the freedom..she felt it but it did nothing to reduce the guilt within her.. she still went through horrible nightmares where the flashes of accident appeared in front of her..

To get rid of the suffocation, she started going out to random places and she was glad that no one was there to question..

Few weeks back, she was just walking randomly in this garden, when her fell on this little angel who was playing cutely with the bunch of kids.. his face was glowing.. his smiles and giggles were infectious and she instantly felt her face copying his smile..

She sat there and watched him play for god damn weird reason that refused to click in her brain.. he was the cutest thing she had ever seen..

Her heart had almost snapped when she saw him fall and tears in his adorable eyes. She had ran towards him and had checked him up instantly making him look at her with his red teary face..

“Baby.. ” the words were out of her mouth in that instant as she checked if he got hurt somewhere and softly cleaned the dirt from his clothes and knees. His knees had a little scratch but thankfully it didn’t bleed..

She felt a sudden push and a manly palm rub against her in the process as Sidharth held vihaan closer and picked him up, “are you okay baby..?”

Shehnaaz’s breaths chocked up in her throat as she recognized Sidharth’s face and ran away from there to hide herself behind a tree so that he doesn’t see her.. she did notice him look around to understand whom did he push unintentionally..

Vihaan.. so he is vihaan.. payal’s son.. the reason hit her nerves making her legs go jelly in guilt.. this cute little kid is away from his mother today because of her..

She wanted to hold him again.. she wanted to take him in her arms and say sorry.. she watched with adoration as Sidharth pampered vihaan and his smiles and giggles were back in no time..

Her heart thundered in pain when she saw them leave shortly after that.. she almost followed them from safe distance till she saw them sit in the car and leave..

After that, she came there every evening.. she loved watching vihaan and Sidharth’s bond.. she even made friendship with vihaan ensuring Sidharth doesn’t know because he seemed on calls most the times..

Vihaan was excited when she told him she is his best friend now and that she will call him zoro because he reminds her of the zoro who was a shining knight armour… I’m a cartoon which she used to watch as a kid..

She felt her heart warming when he started calling her sanu maa out of blue.. she made him promise her that he won’t tell anyone about his secret friend and he loved the idea with a naughty giggle like it was fun having secret friend..

Shehnaaz almost giggled along whenever he would giggle out of nowhere in front of Sidharth when he would find her hidden behind tree.. he would send her cute signals and would start giggling when Sidharth would look at him suspiciously..

She never realized when he became her little heaven to peace and making his smile felt like payal would someday forgive her..

Shehnaz felt so upset whenever they would skip coming garden and last two days had been two helpless for her.. she missed vihaan more than anything.. she couldn’t gift him anything because she knew she father would ask him question and he won’t be able to lie..

The mere idea of Sidharth coming to know about her scared the hell out if her.. he would kill her on the spot, she was sure about it.. Morever, he will take vihaan away from her..

Vihaan shook her vigorously to bring her back from the trance she was lost in, “sana sleeping..?”

She chuckled watching his adorable face scrunched in curiosity as he poked a finger in her cheek to check if she is awake or not..

“I missed my zoro baby so much..” Shehnaz told him sincerely making him grin, “papa office busy. Zoro came with dadi..” vihaan told her excitedly while pointing towards Rita ji who was busy massaging her feet..

Shehnaaz ruffled his hair knowing it annoyed him and he pounced at her with a giggle to mess her hair too.. chuckling, Shehnaz ran around while vihaan ran behind her..

Rita ji watched them from distance but could know who the girl was. They were playing at distance and her aged eyes didn’t help.. she assumed it must be some girl who might be visiting garden everyday as vihaan seemed comfortable with her..

Tired from giggling and running, vihaan sat in shehnaaz lap as she wiped away the sweat of his face and neck with her handkerchief..

“Raghav chachu..” vihaan screamed excitedly before getting off her lap and ran towards the owner of the name while shehnaaz sat rooted in her place with a paled face as she realized who the person might be..

Raghav picked vihaan up who came running towards him, “heyy champ.. having fun..?” Raghav asked while his eyes were trained on the girl whose face he couldn’t see because she had dug her face way too much..

He walked towards her and paused in his place with a shock and surprise as shehnaaz finally looked at him with a worried face..

“you…?” He breathed in shock.